Be Better, Not Bitter: How to Tame Your Ego
Dear Aleena, Yara, Lila, and Kaia,
You will do remarkable things! I know it! I also know it is not guaranteed. You will have to bring that into existence.
No one is born great. People become great through their actions — small, consistent actions that add up over time. In your life, you will face many tough decisions with many alterative paths. Some paths are paved by fear, anger, anxiety, or past regrets. Others are guided by optimism, presence, or ethics. These choices are among the oldest conflicts for humans and they play out as a tug-of-war between our ego and our soul.
You can choose paths that lead to being better — more loving, more present, more forgiving — or the paths that lead to bitterness — holding onto grudges, feeding your fears, or letting your ego dominate.
Today, I want to talk to you about the difference between your ego and your soul. I’ll also share some practices to help you recognize and resolve this conflict so that you can consistently choose the path of being better, not bitter.
Your soul is your eternal light. It’s the light we are all born with, connecting us to the universe. It always shines the right path before us. It’s the inner voice that speaks to you when something doesn’t feel right, reminding you of universal truths like kindness and freedom. This light is with you for eternity, but it often gets overshadowed by the ego.
Ego lives in the mind. It develops over time, shaped by the rules and expectations of the world around us. The ego can be beneficial — it drives ambition, motivates us to achieve, and can help us succeed in school, career, and life. It’s the ego that pushes us to strive for more, to set goals, and to work hard to achieve them. In this way, the ego can be a powerful ally in becoming better.
However, if the ego is not controlled and managed, it can take over. When the ego dominates, it can lead us to make decisions out of fear, to seek validation from others, and to hold onto anger and resentment. When the ego dominates, we risk becoming disconnected from our soul — the part of us that seeks peace, love, and connection. This is when we start to become bitter, not better.
Here are some ways to recognize whether your actions are guided by ego or soul:
1. Ego Focuses on Past and Future, Soul Stays in the Present:
The ego keeps us trapped in the past or anxious about the future, asking, “What could have been?” or “What should have been?” Your soul, however, lives in the present moment, appreciating what you have right now. When you’re in school, you might worry about a mistake you made last week or stress about an upcoming test. Your ego keeps you stuck in these thoughts, while your soul encourages you to focus on what you can do today to learn and improve.
2. Ego Craves Recognition, Soul Values Inner Strength:
The ego constantly seeks validation, wanting to be seen, praised, and recognized. The soul doesn’t need the world’s applause; it finds strength in knowing you are living true to your values and doing your best. At school or work, your ego might push you to chase praise and promotions. But your soul knows that the real victory lies in the effort, not the result. Focus on doing your best, and let the outcome take care of itself.
3. Ego Fears Failure, Soul Embraces Growth:
The ego fears failure because it sees it as a threat to its image. But the soul knows that failure is simply a stepping stone to growth. As you step into adulthood, you might fear failing at a new venture, like starting a business or pursuing further education. Your ego dreads the embarrassment, but your soul embraces the lessons each failure brings. You will never regret trying and failing; you will only regret not trying.
4. Ego Demands Control, Soul Masters Resilience:
The ego desires control over every aspect of life, seeking to manage outcomes and dictate the future. It feels secure only when things go according to plan. The soul, however, understands that true strength lies in resilience — the ability to adapt and thrive even when life doesn’t go as expected. Trusting the journey doesn’t mean being passive; it means facing uncertainty with courage, knowing you have the strength to handle whatever comes your way. I find myself often trying to control every aspect of your lives out of fear of failure, but I must work to let go and trust that you will find your own path. This trust is rooted in knowing that no matter the challenges, you will overcome them.
5. Ego Holds Grudges, Soul Forgives:
The ego clings to anger and resentment, while the soul seeks forgiveness and peace. When you forgive, you free yourself from the weight of the past. In high school, if a friend betrays you, your ego might hold onto that anger for years. But your soul knows that holding grudges only weighs you down, and it urges you to forgive and move on.
6. Ego Competes, Soul Connects:
The ego wants to outshine others, to compete and win. Your soul, however, values connection over competition. It seeks to build relationships based on love and understanding. In your career, your ego might drive you to outdo your coworkers, but your soul knows that true success comes from collaboration and building meaningful connections.
7. Ego Is Loud, Soul Is Quiet:
The ego often shouts for attention, while the soul whispers with wisdom. Learn to listen to that quiet voice within. During family gatherings, your ego might urge you to dominate the conversation, to be the center of attention. But your soul values the shared moments, quietly appreciating the love and connection around you.
8. Ego Demands More, Soul Appreciates What Is:
The ego is never satisfied; it always wants more — more success, more recognition, more things. The soul, however, finds joy in what you already have. As you grow older, your ego might push you to chase wealth and status, but your soul will remind you of the simple pleasures in life: a walk in the park, a deep conversation, the beauty of the present moment.
9. Ego Seeks to Take, Soul Seeks to Give:
The ego focuses on what it can get — attention, resources, validation. It sees the world as a place of competition, where you must take to succeed. The soul, however, finds strength in giving. It knows that true fulfillment comes from helping others and sharing what you have. When you face a choice between acting for your own benefit or helping someone else, the ego might push you to take, but the soul urges you to give, knowing that giving enriches both the giver and the receiver.
10. Ego Reacts, Soul Responds:
The ego reacts quickly, often fueled by emotion. The soul takes its time, responding with thoughtfulness and compassion. In moments of conflict, your ego might react with anger and defensiveness. But your soul encourages you to pause, reflect, and respond with empathy and understanding.
Ego Never Sleeps
The very act of taming our ego can serve it fodder. For instance, after a kind act or a moment of self-control, you might find yourself silently congratulating yourself, thinking, “I did a great job there” or “I’m really good at being humble.” This is the ego subtly turning the focus back on itself.
It’s important to recognize that true humility doesn’t seek acknowledgment — not even from within. Instead of indulging in self-adulation, strive to keep an even keel. Don’t get caught up in self-promotion, no matter how simple it might seem. The goal is to be genuinely present and to do good without needing to pat yourself on the back. This mindset keeps you grounded and focused on being better, not bitter.
Focus on Gratefulness, Not Greatness
There will be days when things don’t go your way, and it’s easy to focus on what’s going wrong. You might ask yourself, “Why me?” In those moments, take a breath. Close your eyes. Think about all the blessings you have. You are healthy. You woke up today. You have your senses intact to experience the world. You have a family that loves you, food to eat, and the freedom to become anyone you want to be. Let these blessings ground you, guide you, and remind you that you are already enough just as you are.
Gratitude is the simplest and most powerful way to choose being better, not bitter. When you focus on what you’re grateful for, it’s easier to keep your ego in check and connect with your soul. It’s easier to appreciate the present moment and to live with intention and joy.
Everyday Practices to Tame Your Ego
While gratitude is a powerful tool, there are other everyday practices that can help you keep your ego in check and nurture your soul. These practices will support you in choosing to be better, not bitter:
1. Practice Mindfulness:
Spend a few minutes each day being present. You can do this through meditation, deep breathing exercises, or simply by paying attention to your surroundings. This helps you stay connected to the present moment and reduces worries about the past or future. Remember, it’s not about doing this perfectly every day, but about making a consistent effort to stay present and focused on now, not next.
2. Gratitude Journal:
Keep a journal where you write down three things you are grateful for each day. This practice shifts your focus from what you lack to what you already have, fostering contentment and appreciation. If you miss a day, that’s okay — just pick it back up the next day. The goal is consistency, not perfection.
3. Active Listening:
Make a conscious effort to listen more and talk less in conversations. This shows respect for others and opens you up to new perspectives. It also quiets your ego’s need to dominate discussions. Try to focus on what’s being said right now, rather than thinking about what you’ll say next.
4. Acts of Kindness:
Do something kind for someone else each day. It can be as simple as holding the door open, offering a compliment, or helping someone with a task. Acts of kindness shift your focus from yourself to others. You don’t have to do grand gestures; small, consistent acts are just as powerful.
5. Self-Reflection:
Take time at the end of each day to reflect on your actions and thoughts. Ask yourself if you were led by your ego or your soul in different situations. This helps you become more aware of your behavior and make positive changes. If you forget to reflect one night, don’t be hard on yourself — just pick it up the next time.
6. Accepting Criticism:
When you receive criticism, instead of reacting defensively, take a moment to consider if there is any truth to it. Use it as an opportunity to learn and grow, rather than letting your ego feel attacked. Remember, it’s not about always agreeing with criticism, but being open to hearing it.
7. Forgiveness Practice:
Whenever you feel anger or resentment towards someone, remind yourself of the benefits of forgiveness. Letting go of grudges frees you from negativity and allows you to move forward with peace. Forgiveness is a strength, not a weakness, and practicing it regularly makes it easier over time.
8. Learning to Let Go:
Accept that you cannot control everything. When things don’t go as planned, practice letting go and trusting that things will work out in the end. This reduces stress and helps you adapt to changes with grace. Focus on doing your best in the moment, and trust the journey ahead.
9. Mindful Communication:
Be mindful of how you communicate with others. Use words that are kind and considerate. Avoid speaking out of anger or frustration, and strive to express yourself with empathy and understanding. If you slip up, apologize and strive to do better next time.
10. Stay Grounded, Not Caught Up in the Hype:
In a world full of distractions and pressures to “keep up” with others, practice staying grounded. Avoid getting caught up in trends or the hype around success, wealth, or fame. Focus on what truly matters to you and stay true to your values. This helps you remain centered and less swayed by external influences. Remember, it’s not about chasing the next big thing, but about living your own authentic life.
Follow the Light of Your Soul
Understanding the difference between your ego and your soul is key to living a happier, more peaceful life. It’s a daily choice to be better, not bitter. As your parent, I want you to know how deeply I believe in you. I see your eternal light every day. Hold on to it. No matter where you are in your life, always take the time to connect back to that light in your soul. Your soul knows what is right; your soul knows who you are meant to be. Stay connected to it, and you will find your way.
Remember, true achievement is not about what you accomplish in the eyes of others but about the love, kindness, and gratitude you carry within. The world needs more of your light, so let it shine brightly, and always choose to be better, not bitter.
The letters from the past 11 years:
Lifelong Benefits of Consistency (2023)
Better to do right than be right (2022)
What if You Didn’t Need a Vacation? (2021)
Hypocrisy and Inaction — May you avoid our mistakes (2020)
The Fog-of-Life and Your Path Ahead (2019)
A Father’s Take on Meaning of Home (2018)
An Immigrant Father’s Letter to His Kids (2016)
Startup CEO’s Advice to His Daughters (2015)
3 Things to Think About When Giving Back (2014)
5 Lessons from a New Dad to the Youngest Philanthropist (2013)
